Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
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I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
mariah carrie
I hate everything
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
The USS B port
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.