ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
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I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
how to have an accident 101
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
i baked you a cake
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it