I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
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How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Usage Guidelines
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]