Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
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Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Extremely relatable.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet