1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
You Might Also Like
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins