When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
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Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I have questions??
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
We are the people our parents warned us about.