observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
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No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.