I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
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“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
That 👊
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.