At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
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Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
stop
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.