Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack