Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
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Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
These dogs look like they have good credit.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.