Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
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Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.