My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
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According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Social Media and Real life
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”