Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
You Might Also Like
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money