Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
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The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Awesome parenting 😂
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.