interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
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Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.