Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
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you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Our lord and savoury.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT