Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
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Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.