Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
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-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
All set.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
So, can we agree on 4 or
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.