I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
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My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
My blood type is coffee.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no