Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
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[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
The honesty is refreshing
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds