Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
You Might Also Like
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Happy Taco Tuesday
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again