Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
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I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does