“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
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sin harder.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
me irl
Always 🥴
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos