COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
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My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Room with a view.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work