Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
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Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
motivation
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?