Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
You Might Also Like
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
This week’s mood.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu