Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
You Might Also Like
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes