HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
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[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.