“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
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Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do