You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
You Might Also Like
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”