In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
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A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.