2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
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Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
there’s probably a fee though
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
A friend sent me this.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.