My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
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why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.