I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
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just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Good dog. ❤️
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.