My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
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I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
lmfao
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I am never leaving this website
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy