Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
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Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I just ran a .003048K
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
ATMs should have breathalyzers
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.