I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
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Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
step 6: release the wall snake
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.