I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
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Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Somewhere in an alternate universe
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Boating season is upon us.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
happy friday
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.