Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
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GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
When you’re Kinky but poor
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me