*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
You Might Also Like
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!