Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
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Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Weirdos gonna weird.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.