If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
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Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER