If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
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All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
the noise i just made
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.