No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
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You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
monday
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made