Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
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*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
[at the office]
Secretary: There鈥檚 a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
if you鈥檙e on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
We鈥檙e lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it鈥檚 humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it鈥檚 moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
馃幍Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
馃幍Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
馃幍Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
馃幍Baby shark!馃幎
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I don鈥檛 know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
me: can we please find out when we鈥檒l be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we鈥檒l be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don鈥檛 need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it鈥檚 hard, very hard.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT