Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
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Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad