Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
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Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.