My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
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Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname