The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
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Would you wear it?
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
A dating app for angry people- Grumble